Just keep swimming

Lawd. These first weeks of 2018 have been exhausting, both in the physical way of doing all of the things to proceed with adoption on top of all of the things involved in keeping a family of ten running effectively, on top of all of the things that running a business requires, and in the emotional way of exposing our family in this way again. It’s so vulnerable to say “yes,” when at any time, the answer you receive to your yes can be “no.”

Ironically, it feels a lot like that deep-in-your-bones exhaustion of pregnancy. Fitting.

It feels like this time, for us, the journey is happening in hurried spurts on the weekends. For many, that would be a positive, but I work all weekend, so it’s challenging. Not a complaint, just something that makes me chuckle every time I hear “Is there ANY way you could complete this and send back to us by Sunday?”

Here are the steps we moved forward this week:

– paid for home study ($2500)
– FBI fieldprints ($100 and yay… we aren’t criminals) *I think we were supposed to get Noah and we forgot, so we’ll be making a return trip)
– submitted initial home study paperwork
– schedule passport appointments
– completed 1/2 of mandatory training

Here is what needs to be completed early next week:
– finish the remodel project in Owen’s room that I began when we applied to adopt baby T in October
– re organize and re configure bedrooms
– deep clean
– complete passports and expedite
– gather documents (I think we have them mostly accessible from foster care)

In the midst of this adoption process, we are also working with DSS on permanency for our foster daughter, affectionately known as bonus kiddo. It’s a lot of plates spinning, and again that isn’t a complaint. It’s such a privilege to walk this with her but it bring attention in such a deep way to the real situation. It’s easy to get so caught up in the daily joy she brings to our family, that sometimes we forget that the system is full of beautiful, resilient, amazing kiddos just like her and we cannot be home for them all. Then I work on paperwork for Lucas and I remember that the world is full of adorable, darling, precious kiddos just like him and we cannot be home for them all. It feels so deeply, overwhelmingly heart breaking.

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