living loud

As our home study was being finalized in March, a little girl on the waiting child registry came to my attention and my heart beat so hard and so fast for her that I could barely breathe.  Logically I knew that two children with two different diagnoses in one adoption in a home that already had so many was not a wise idea. This time for us is winding down. We are older. We have a kiddo in college, another on her way, the rest following one after the other. We knew that Lucas would be with us forever, and we love that, but we also know that as a couple that has never been ‘alone,’ we also want to be sure to make that time in life for just us, too. Still, every few days I would ask again of Brian “But are you sure that we cannot adopt B? like sure sure?” I sent her picture to all of my friends and joked that if she was at the same orphanage as Lucas I was going to try to arrange a “chance encounter”. I checked the page she was listed on often to see if she had been claimed.

When our agency called to tell us the news about Lucas, she asked if there were any waiting kiddos that I knew we were interested in and she could try to request their file. I mentioned B at that time, but then said that I actually couldn’t even think about that right now.

The first few days after the news I was okay. Then the okay settled into crushed and angry and difficulty finding the energy to function. Self pity abounded. I knew that I needed to let these emotions live fully and even a little loudly because I knew also that I had never processed any of the previous let downs and losses. Through it all I heard her name over and over, and worried that it was just my heart trying to leap into the next kiddo… plus, she is an even less stable prospect since our agency doesn’t even have her file. Finally, we felt strongly that her needs were not needs we were equipped for.

Monday came and I couldn’t ignore her name anymore, so I located her on the waiting kiddo lists and sent the request to my agency. I asked in adoption groups about her needs to learn more. I compiled a list of the top ten reasons we should adopt B and sent them to my husband. He sent me heart eyes and didn’t say no, so I considered this a yes and contacted our home study agency to request an update to our paperwork so we can jump back on this crazy train all over again, knowing that we could have the exact same outcome as two weeks ago.

And I am not sure that I could possibly feel better about this decision.

In my lowest the last few weeks, I felt like God has been setting me up for sadness and heartbreak over and over again. On the upside of that grief, I believe He is shaping me  into who He wants me to be and I embrace that.

I preach a lot about living boldly, loudly but these experiences that I’ve collected on our adoption journey have forced me to practice what I preach. There is still work to do. I can’t say that I want every single one of the world’s orphans to have a family and then stand meekly on the sidelines waiting for a child with lower risk to come to us. That is not what mothers do. We bravely march in with shaking knees. And if we are really, truly, super lucky… our husbands march with us, too.

So we are at it again. It’s even more complicated. It may end differently than we hope and that will be okay. We will cry a little and thank God for letting us be a part of whatever weird, confusing story He is authoring but on the other side is a child that deserves a family that will fight for her. If we have nothing else going for us… we can tell God that we always tried to do what He called us to do. I am pretty proud of that.


{side note: this is pretty much the face I make as God drags me into uncomfortable territory.}893A9193.jpg

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