Today just extremely sucketh.
I don’t often like or appreciate parallels between adoption and pregnancy, and I also dislike whining about the steps to adoption, but today found me sitting in my dark closet (the only place I could get away from the sweet eyes of my babies) crying and literally hyperventilating over those very steps, and my mind went to the hard middle part of my pregnancies when I was too far in for the “new news” excitement and the luster had worn off, and too far from the end to enter countdown phase, and I tried to remind myself that the part where you say “I can’t do it anymore” is just a part of the process. You can cry about it, but you also need to pull up your big girl panties and deal with it.
But dude… today, I am just completely defeated and it feels like groundhog day. I want to say something beautiful and positive to tie it up nicely, and there is certainly material. I can feel Jesus near, as I so often can when I run out of emotional and spiritual steam. I just think to do so is a disservice to that same process I am shedding all the tears over. When people say that adoption is hard, it should be believed and getting them here is the easy part. The hard needs space because the hard is here to stay, in one way or another. The hard is, in some ways, what I am ignoring most days because when I really look it in the eye, I know that crying over my feelings is really a distraction from thinking about what this wait is all about: a child, alone, in a home for kids without parents. It crushes my soul and I cannot land there for long and still function. That little tiny girl with the up-stretched arms and a momma who can’t do a single thing to get there to pick her up. This hard is practice for the next hard, when I spend days holding her and then have to hand her back to her caregivers and leave her for months. That hard is practice for the next hard, getting a terrified child onto a plane and taking her away from all she knows and that is practice for the hard work of healing and learning and becoming a family.
It’s a process. Steps can’t be skipped. A heart broken a little more each step can’t be pieced back into the shape it once was because it needs to be something different for it’s beloved child. Adoption isn’t just the beautiful pictures and heartwarming stories. It’s so much hard, so much loss, so much more. Every day spent crying in the closet is one day closer to who baby girl needs her mommy to be, so we do what we think we can’t do another day and we shut down the computer for the day and we try to be present in our life. There is always tomorrow. There is always hope.