Last night I was painfully, acutely aware of the magnitude of these dark hours. When the sun rose, it would be afternoon in Eastern Europe. A judge would sit at their bench and review our file, our little one’s file, and it would be up to them to decide if we could call her “daughter.”
My stomach ached and clenched and threatened to expel my dinner. The last four years came to this one night, and I tried so hard to not let my mind go to the what ifs that have plagued us the last 4.5 years. I popped my ear phones in and listened to the songs that calmed me on our flight over the ocean, and that held sweet memories of our baby as we returned over it. One by one, I listened and cried tears of happiness and fear, anxiety and joy, until my eyes swelled shut.
A song recently added spoke to my heart, “In the morning” by JJ Heller with the lyrics:
“It’s been a long day, you did your best
Let go of the past, it’s time now to rest
The weight of the world is getting too heavy
Give it to Jesus, His arms are steady
Your heart will feel lighter
Everything will be brighter
Find peace in knowing
That all will be well in the morning
In the morning”
I listened over and over, ready to welcome the morning, both proverbial and literal, and finally fell asleep around 2:00 am.
4:00 am found me awake again, counting ahead seven hours and knowing court had likely already happened. I knew word had to travel back to our agency here in the US, and that takes time, but around 7:00 eastern time I was a complete mess. 8:00 came, 9:00. Friends arrived for our court day brunch (which I will make a separate post about later). 9:30. 9:45. 10:00. I was so thankful for friends holding space here in my kitchen. I think that by 11:00 I would have actually lost my mind. And then… there it was. The most beautiful subject I have ever read: “She is yours!!”
There is so much that I want to say. Mostly, though, there are not any words. How do you describe the feeling of being pulled into a beautiful story like hers? How do you describe seeing a sweet face for the first time, but knowing that your heart already knew her? How do you find words to explain that your whole life you knew she was missing from your heart?
Instead, I will introduce you to someone so very special… our DAUGHTER! Nadya Rose.
All is well in the morning.