Sweetest dreams

The last three weeks have broken and mended and expanded my heart in a million ways. Watching a child learn to exist in a family, learn to trust in her parents, learn to reach for comfort is both beautiful and intensely painful. Every time she reaches for me, I am reminded that she has never had anyone to reach for. 22 months she’s existed without loving arms to comfort her and play with her. We can do little to help her process it, except show up… and if there is one thing my family is very good at, it’s ‘showing up.’

Every time we go to get our baby after a nap she is giddy with excitement. Obviously that makes a momma heart so happy…. but the sadness of it settles in quickly behind. Her little heart doesn’t know that this is her new world… that we will always come for her. I think as mothers we all have moments where we feel taken for granted, but the truth is that makes me happy knowing that my other kids know I am always here, no matter what. My biggest wish for Nadya is for her to come to know that, too.

Yesterday I snuck in to wake little one from a late nap. She met me with joy before her eyes were even open. We are the luckiest. A million times a day I say to my husband “This is a big deal. We did a big thing.” I consistently alternate between feeling the weight of leaving behind so many, and accepting that we have to focus on the one in front of us. Do for one what you wish you could do for millions, so my “we did a big thing” is not praise of our “goodness” but a reminder to myself that we have to grow our family one sweet babe at a time. We didn’t just wish we could, we didn’t just talk about it or excuse ourselves from doing something because of the cost or our family size or our age… we did it. I have to find a way to accept that or I will lose my mind.

Watching this little girl throw her arms up to be picked up, so happy that a momma, her momma, came to get her… it helps. It’s a very big thing.

Happy three weeks in our family, Rosie girl. You are the best.

{Also… if you remember the story of this crib, I am still shocked that a baby is sleeping in it… you can read more here and here)

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