When we decided to adopt in 2014, I never in a million years imagined that it would be as complicated and messy as it has been for us. In my whinier moments I lament that I know no one who has been qualified that has had the door shut in their faces as many times as we have. In my more peaceful moments, I acknowledge that each “no” has led to us reconsidering the parameters we have set. I have learned each time that when I say “never” to something, that is usually where God wants us to be, so He leads us there slowly, baby steps, with a lot of “no”s. Each time, though, we only step out in faith because we believe that this time will be different. Sitting on a fresh “no”… I am feeling a little sorry for myself because it was more of the same.
Isn’t that telling, though, about what faith really is? We aren’t supposed to have faith that life will go according to our desires, we are supposed to have faith that God knows what is ahead, He is with us and for us. When I really let that settle into my heart, when I let it overcome the voices that are critical and gossiping and accusing, when I tune out a world that tells me we are crazy for continuously getting back on the horse and saying “yes” when asked again and again, I feel a supernatural peace and indescribable excitement that He chose us for this crazy journey. We get to be the ones. How lucky are we that God trusts us with this story?
I do trust Him, even when it’s hard. I set down my sadness and guilt and frustration this week and I asked my husband “should we really go for it again?” Should we stop trying to control the next chapter, and let Him have the reigns? Should we stop trying to choose what is easiest among the hard… Okay, Lord, we will give you a “yes” but we want to put these stipulations on that yes…and just say “here we are, Lord, use us”?
My husband said “Yes, but let’s not do anything crazy…” and we laughed and looked around at our life because the crazy train left the station years ago.
And that is the story of how I am rearranging and organizing and shopping once again for a young man to join our family. While our home has never been “closed” for foster care, we had to tell our workers that we could only accept very specific situations while we got settled with Rosie, so I called last week and said “we are ready.”
After we pursued two teen boys in recent weeks, I know that God needed us to release control to Him. I am preparing our home and hearts for the “yes” He needed us to welcome, but I know they are special because God has worked so hard for us to be ready for them.